A couple of weeks ago I had this idea that I wanted to write about what makes women come across as sexy. When we look at someone like Mila Kunis what is it that screams sex appeal? Now, granted I know she’s a beautiful woman, so I get it there is some level of actual beauty that shines through, but is that what makes her sexy?

Ironically, last week a good friend I’ve had since 2nd grade reached out to me and asked me to help him do something sweet for his wife. The goal was that he wanted her to feel sexy, but he wasn’t sure the best way to do that. He couldn’t quite wrap his brain around how women think. Now, I’m sure some of you think I’m nuts having a guy friend ask me something like this, but he is like my brother and we’ve supported each other since childhood in the challenges life has brought. My goal was to explain to him how women work because its a lot different than most guys realize. I think its a lot different than most of us women realize too! What he wanted to know was how to understand his wife, and how to make her see herself as the same amazing, sexy woman he sees her as. THAT is a task I can get behind helping with!

The truth is, what makes Mila Kunis and other woman like her exude sex appeal isn’t their natural beauty, but more their personal sense of self. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage that if you feel confident its like a magnet for men. Well, in a lot of ways this is true. Sex appeal, sexiness, feeling sexy is all about how you feel in your own skin. It’s not about how someone else see’s you, but rather how YOU see you!

You can take the most beautiful woman in the world, but if she doesn’t feel confident in herself…poof!…the sex appeal disappears! This works the other way too. We’ve all known someone whom we secretly couldn’t understand why so many guys thought they were ‘hot’ when we looked and though ‘meh’. So, how do we dig down inside ourselves and find this confidence when most of us are simply stumbling through life? It’s all about self-care, and further, if you’re reading this, how do you make your significant other feel confident in who they are as a supporting role? Let’s talk about those things…

Let’s start by discussing the importance of self-care. This was something that was completely foreign to me when I was first introduced to the concept by my recovery team. Self-care? Who has time for self when you have a spouse, kids, job, the weight of the world! I didn’t feel like I had the ability or ability to not feel guilty to take time for myself, much less do something self-related when I knew the list was a mile long for everyone else’s needs. The truth is simple, though. If you don’t stop to give yourself care, all the time you spend on everyone else doesn’t have the quality it could have. Worse, you miss out on life in a way you don’t even realize.

I was shocked when I slowly started taking time to learn how to provide myself with self-care at the impact it created in that mile-long list I was so worried about. Rather than spending my time fretting, angry, and stressed-out, I could appreciate and experience life in a fuller manner than I had ever experienced before. I was able to stop and smell the roses when before I might not have even noticed there were roses.

So where to start? Self-care is a learned habit, not a natural habit for most people, women especially. I started by keeping a piece of paper on me and every day I would pick something small and write it down that I did for myself. Initially, these moments were filled with things like, using the bathroom without someone interrupting, eating a candy bar, filing my nails at lunch at work, or simply stopping to have a snack when I was hungry, but gradually that changed to watching an episode of some show I had wanted to see, reading a book I wanted to read, working out because I wanted to, or walking around a store and window shopping to just get away for an hour! The time I thought I was going to rob from everyone else gave me so much refreshment that I was more productive, and I felt better about who I was because my head was clear. I started to know myself in a way I had never given myself time to know. Hi, Amber, nice to meet ya!

Self-care is much deeper than that, and is a continual process of growth. I’m currently working on rereading Intuitive Eating and using the Intuitive Eating Workbook to learn the self-care of healthy eating, as well as writing more on this blog, and planning the possibility of a future book because it matters to me. Sometimes my self-care is stopping what I’m doing to have a snack because hearing my body’s needs is a form of self-love that is paramount to a balanced life. All of these moments for myself add up to a healthier and happier me, and that makes me feel good about who I am.

You may be wondering how these things impact my ability to feel and appear sexy. Well let me tell you something…in the last week alone my husband has remarked on me looking fine every. single. day.

For years I received the perfunctory “I love you, and you look nice” in the morning before I left for work while his eyes were on his work or the news. Then, suddenly, after my allowing myself to focus on my self-care and ensuring I felt good emotionally and not just worrying about my physical appearance, I suddenly started gaining a self-confidence in who I am, and my husband has started to notice. 

And, ladies, he has been making me feel like a queen! 

So fellas, here’s the scoop. I’m a big fan of the pretty things, so I’m on board the lingerie train if my man gets me some, but at the end of the day I feel sexiest when I’m admired by my husband, not because I’m wearing something fancy. In the last couple of weeks my husband’s comments about me being beautiful, looking fantastic, and telling me how he admires me as a parent have done more to make me feel sexy in my skin than ANY pair of frilly lace things he could buy me. Its been his acknowledgement of how sexy he thinks I am when I’m just being me that has made me love him so much more. And when your S.O. is feeling like he’s been making me feel, the impact on how they will make you feel is only multiplied!

You see, when you make your significant other feel important, they feel empowered, and therefore sexy. A woman who has the confidence in herself because she feels good about the person she is and like she is seen for more than her body or face will strut like a peacock and the sex appeal will simply pour out of her. She’ll be more likely to snuggle up and bat those lashes your way because YOU have noticed her when she wasn’t putting on some show to make you notice her.

The single most effective way to show someone you love them, is to love them for who they are. 

Self-care sounds like such a simple tasks doesn’t it? And yet, most of us, men and women alike, struggle to stop and really ask ourselves if we’re giving ourselves what we really need. Are we taking time to learn to hear our bodies needs? What about taking time to emotionally breath? What does self care look like for you? Have you taken the time to consider that? If not, its time to stop and start asking the questions. Start with the small things because the habit has to be created first. It’s okay to say you need some time to yourself. It’s okay to learn how to say no, and its even okay to need some space from the people you love. You’ll find that with each moment and step towards fulfilling your own needs in healthy ways, you’ll be a better version of yourself and confidence is the only side effect.



Self care is so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.

Eleanor Brown