I used to think that the scariest thing about recovery was facing all my emotions. ED had done a wonderful job of taking each and every event in my life that had the potential to fuel his purpose and making sure I stuffed them in a dark corner of my brain; never working through the related emotions. It wasn’t until the last few weeks that I realized it wasn’t facing the emotions I’ve bottled up for decades, but rather having emotions that I don’t understand.
I am not going to sit here and say that unpacking my luggage has’t caused some fear because it has. In the midst of identifying and owning events in my life I realized that there were a lot of signs that I might have endured even more than I realized and very early in life, but I also realized then and do now the importance of owning that all those things no matter how bad were, are why I am the person I am today. ED isn’t the only part of my brain these memories impact. Those horrible things I’ve endured and tried so hard to avoid, they are what have made me able to look at life through other’s eyes. They are the reason that while I might want to spend my weekend at home vegging on the couch and watching TV there is FAR more value in investing that time in a game of Battleship with my son, or teaching my daughter to cook. Those awful things, things too terrible to even see as real for so many years also added value to me as a person. My pep-talk used that little bit of hope to help me face some pretty scary truths, and it’s how I’m going to keep facing them and keep showing-up and keep telling ED to stay in his dungeon.
So guys, here it is. The WHOLE truth. Life can really suck sometimes. And I mean REALLY, REALLY suck. Fight it, all the crap, fight it and unpack that luggage one piece at a time. Take time to unfold that mess you shoved back there so long ago and try to identify emotions that go with it. Smooth out the wrinkles to find the little bits of hope balled up with it.
Once you can face that fear, and you will because we all do at sometime, but once you face that fear, you’ll start to realize that you are a fighter! You are bigger than ED, and you’re more than those things you packed away so long ago. And much like me, you’re going to find yourself asking “What the hell did I pack in that suitcase!?” because sometimes truth will hit you square in the head and hope will be the ice-pack to soothe it!
Happy Friday, and if you get the chance, drop me a comment and let me know what you think. What kind of recipes you’d like to see? I would really also like to hear what topics from my journey with ED you’d like to read about. Face a fear, leave me a message.