I think I’m a masochist. When I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I would spend hours pouring over anything food related. As I would sit binging, I would be planning out detailed to the point of irrational meal plans and menus. While I was supposed to be working, I would spend ages combing through every restaurant nearby to make the perfect decision for lunch, which was often still hours away.

Thankfully, those tendencies are gone. Now I make it point to never look at a menu ahead of a meal out, and I skip the buffets or other smorgasbord options for eating a small frozen meal at home or some leftovers. Some days I have even just had a bowl of cereal with almond milk because we didn’t have leftovers and I wasn’t all that hungry to begin with. 

Unfortunately, while my backwards relationship with food continues to improve with my now recovered lifestyle, my backwards relationship with money is more evident than ever. This spending ban is a bitch!

Where I’d rather be right now!

I knew it wasn’t going to be a simple thing, and that once the numerous purchases I had made via Wish.com in the two weeks prior had all trickled in, that I would start to feel the effects, and while I still have a couple more items yet to arrive, I’m starting to feel the effects.

Yesterday while working at home, I received an email stating their would be a food truck at the office today. I was a good girl and planned ahead. I brought my own food, and ate it for lunch, but then something terrible happened. It’s absolutely freezing in the office! We’re talking cold enough that no one would bat a lash at my wearing my coat. Trust me, it was this way last year too, and I had let it slip my mind that my office, when I’m actually working form it, is akin to a cold-storage. I am officially feeling like a dry-aged piece of Kobe right now.

You would think that this would mean I would be craving a Starbucks, and you would almost be correct, but not today. First thing this morning, as my fingers turned blue I searched Amazon for a small space heater. I added one to my cart, remembered my daughter’s hamster also needed some more treats, and that the nail clippers were dull, then the spending ban hit me square in the face. Slaaap!

Delete, delete, delete. I reminded myself that I just need to start remembering my parka for working in the office, and that the nail clippers are working just fine. The hamster does actually need treats, but buying them on Amazon would mean I would have to spend the amount to ‘add-it-on’ and I can’t because of the spending ban.

Noon has now rolled around, and as I sit here there is a food truck parked in our business lot. I have already eaten, and if I’m being honest, I’m not hungry, just thinking a little chocolate or something warm sounds good. At this point, any sane person would probably go reheat their plain green tea (I’m trying to quit coffee) and sip it slowly to help reheat their extremities, but we’ve already established that sane is not something I seem to be doing today. Instead, I search the food truck online and start trying to find picture of the deep fried S’mores they serve, or the Carmel Apple Cider. Argh! What am I doing? No sooner did I find what I was after and start scrolling, did I shut the page and realize the next year is going to be tough. 

More importantly it’s going to allow me to realize that my spending, even on small and seemingly insignificant things is a place-holder for other emotions. Without those place-holders I’m going to be facing the true emotion. Today I am pretty sure that emotion is tiredness and stress. I mean, I’m craving warm drinks and chocolate, which practically knit you a sweater saying “I’m tired and stressed” anytime you eat and drink them. 

Granted, I am truly freezing today, so maybe the wish for a warm drink is due more to that, but a deep fried S’more?! I mean, I am pretty sure that alone signifies some type of deep emotional turmoil. One thing is for certain, once I’m home later tonight, I’m going to curl up under my heated blanket my wonderful husband gifted me a couple years ago for a birthday with a glass of red wine and snack on something with a little chocolate in it since it’s what I’m clearly craving. 

Week two – zero purchases

Paid down some more of my credit card, and didn’t spend, considering the number of times things were looked up or added to carts then deleted, my saving on things I didn’t need is probably a decent bit this week.

I’m 2 days early, but week 2 is nearly in the books. 50 weeks and 2 days to go!