Yesterday I purged.
Last night I felt like a failure.
This morning I awakened with the idea of “I can’t”.
In fact, for the last 3 weeks I have been riding on the sails of the idea that “I’m coping with not coping”. My husband feeling he was being fantastically hilarious pointed out that I was basically saying that I’m NOT coping. Ya think?
I had zero plans of writing a blog post right now. In fact, I had already planned to just keep it focused on new recipes until I got out of this funk that has been weighing me down for the past 2 – 3 weeks. So what in the world changed, and what could I possibly share that would be helpful for anyone in the midst of these struggles?
As most of you know, I have a side gig. That’s nothing like a side-chic, so don’t get confused. No, I’m not going to proceed to plug said biz; if you want to know more about that then all you have to do is reach-out to me (see all my contact info below). This post is about how for almost 3 weeks I’ve been systematically falling apart and giving-in to ED. What has changed this entire process and stopped ED after my downward spiral, all in a 42 minute live Facebook post I just finished watching? Stick with me and it will all make sense and potentially stop your ED spiral today as well.
So let’s back up, because I feel its important to truly connect here, and for me, its in those moments that I can connect with another person whom I’m feeling a little jelly of that I am able to make my own discoveries. SOOOoooooo, 3 weeks ago (give or take a few days), I noticed ED sniffing around as I was thinking about upcoming events this summer and fall. A family vacation with my in-laws (complete with wedding, beach, all of it) and another wedding this fall that is black tie, again in-laws. If you know me or my in-laws you know that they are all these 6 foot plus tall people with stark blue eyes and gorgeous blond hair; basically Nordic royalty if you saw them in a Costco and didn’t know any better. If you’re wondering how this started ED’s poking, take a gander at the pic I took this morning right above here. Yeah, that’s me. Heavier than I’ve ever been because I’m learning how to heal my body, all of 5 foot nothing, and compared to my husband and his clan, Fiona from Shrek. Sorry my dear friends, but that is how I’ve been feeling. I have wanted SO badly to be excited, to be able to focus on the success of my business, my full-time career, my kids, my spouse, all of it, and yet ED has hijacked my thoughts starting with robbing me of my excitement of the upcoming events over the last few weeks. And, at first, it was easy to brush it off. To tell myself that it was just a momentary valley in the peaks and valleys of recovery, but as days have turned to weeks, and progress has turned to slipping, I realized that I was cemented into a spot of going no where. Ugh!
I know ALL of you, even those who read this without an “ED” in their life can relate to this, right? I have a great friend who has struggled lately to find her footing, chugging through her busy season (shout out to all my CPA’s), taking the crap that life hands her, and forgetting who she is in all of it. The point is, we ALL have these moments, days, weeks in life. This isn’t an ED problem, its a human problem. Today started much like the last few weeks have. I got up, felt rejected by my own mind, and decided today was an “I can’t” day. Then, like I do every day, I opened the Facebook group dedicated to training for my side gig and saw that someone who is a really major success story was going live in a few minutes to train. I was excited to hear what this person, a guy in a skincare biz, was going to instill in me that was different than everyone else. I mean, it’s a dude, selling skincare.
I had no idea what I was in store for today. Jim Larsen got on there and in the process of his 42 minutes of training, proceeded to tear into ED like a top MMA fighter! What the what?! Not at all what I was expecting. I was happily listening, and laughed out loud when he said that some people might even need a tissue today, and here he was taking a hold of the one thing I use as my excuse, my blankie and ripping it to shreds. Because that is truly what ED is for us isn’t he. He’s our blankie, our safety, our lies to ourself that ED can make it all better when we’re having a day that we’re Fiona from Shrek. But here is what Jim said that stopped me in tracks and literally caused me to need a tissue too.
“We want to pretend our success is a game of chance
because it removes the personal responsibility we
have to actually go get it.”
Holy crap you guys, I wasn’t expecting a trainer for my biz to reach-out of his live training and manage to look ED directly in the eyes and bitch-slap him! Are you really reading that? Really letting that one sink in? Go back and read that again, and then again, and again until you truly and honestly digest that. I want to let ED tell me that whether I succeed at my recovery or fail is all chance and not my choice because if I admit that I have that choice to succeed, it means no matter what obstacles I face, I am 100% responsible for succeeding or failing.
Sucker-punch right to my gut. Que the tears, Que the guilt, Que ED crying like a baby in the corner as he realizes his 3 week reign of terror is closing. ME, I, no one else is responsible for my success or failure in recovery, in my side gig, in my life. You can insert whatever obstacle your facing, and it still applies. You are responsible for it.
Hello! People wake up! I am a part of several groups on Facebook, I have nearly 1k connections on LinkedIn, probably as many on Facebook, and growing daily in other numerous social media platforms and you want to know what myself and all those thousands of people complain about EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. ??? Waaa, we can’t, Waaa, something happened, Waaaa, it was out of my hands. But it’s not is it? It’s that you and I and ED have to move on. We have to stop using those obstacles, those valleys as our blankie, our passifier, our excuse for why we can’t.
In therapy we have exercises that help us connect back to the truth. We have to say out loud affirmations when we have said something negative. We have to keep a journal of emotions and events, and talk about how we feel and why we think these broken thoughts we have are SO important to what we perceive to be unattainable happiness unless we’re thin. You guys, we have to stop pushing that responsbility on our therapist, on our life situations. If we need to ask everyone we know to write down something positive about us on a post-it and sign their name, then plaster those post-it notes all over in front of our mirrors, our computers, our lives, to remind ourselves we are SO MUCH MORE then by God we should do exactly that!
I’m not saying ED isn’t going to get in my way. In fact, I am absolutely positive that ED will take his weasley body and plant it directly in my path every day of my recovery until he can’t anymore. What I’m saying is I’m tired of not coping, and you should be too! You should pissed that you are giving up on something so easily when you wouldn’t in other areas. Would you sit there and just spread your legs to a rape situation? Would you stand by and watch a child being harmed or bullied and say nothing? I would hope not, so why are we letting ourselves be bullied and emotionally raped every day by our own lies? By our own ED?
I want to challenge you today. Every single one of you. Reach out to 5 people you know and ask them to do you this one favor. Tell them its for a self-esteem building exercise for work, for therapy, whatever reason you want to give them. Ask them to tell you 1 thing that they admire or find beautiful or special about you. Write it down on a sticky note and put it somewhere you can see. Then when you’re facing ED, when he’s trying to trip you up, read those compliments, those strengths you aren’t strong enough to believe on your own and realize THAT is how other people see you. Those words are what inspire others to listen to you and believe in you as a person.
As human beings we have a responsbility to our kids, our friends, and this planet to leave it better than we found it. We all had dreams at some point in our lives. Even if it was at the age of 4 and you haven’t dreamed of achieving something since, it was there at some point. We have to stop allowing ourselves to give away whether we achieve whatever that dream is to the lie of chance and the world. It’s not, it’s our choice. If you want to be a rich person, then figure out how you get there and start taking the steps one at a time. If your dream is to be ED-free then own the successes and failures and get there to recovery one step at a time.
I am not a success story. I am a normal person, with normal problems. Much like other people I’ve had numerous failures, and painful things happen in life, but unlike other people I’m going to be someone who finds the light at the end of the tunnel and doesn’t give away the choices of achieving my dreams. You shouldn’t give your dreams away either.
NOTE: I know not everyone has people in their lives that can help with giving them compliments to encourage them. If this is the case, or if you just need more feel free to reach-out to me. Friend me on Facebook, follow me on Instagram, whatever and I’ll take some time to really try to know you better and help you find compliments in yourself you didn’t realize you have!
You can also learn more about my business, and how it has hand-in-hand helped in my recovery and changed so many parts of my life (financial, emotional, ability to like other humans) by reaching out to me. I promise I won’t harass you (ain’t nobody got time for that!) but I will share with you a little more and send you a free mini facial for taking time to talk to me!
Follow me on social media with any of the links below. If you want to connect more personally, just drop a comment with the word “HI” and I’ll reach out to find out if you are wanting more biz info or help with growing your self-esteem. We all need more love in our lives! Happy Hump Day everyone!