When life gives you lemons you make lemonade…
Um, no, that’s is one-hundred percent not what you do. You wallow in your grief, you struggle with your choices. You might even sit around feeling really sorry for yourself with a nearly empty bottle of Cabernet, but lemonade is NOT what is happening!
The idea of life being a roller coaster is what first caused the snowball that became a change…
It’s no secret that I have yoyo’d between my plant-based diet (or some variety of one) and temptations of my prior favorite foods. The last 6 years have been rough for me where food is concerned, but something major changed in 2017. Last fall, I had a long, and very uncomfortable talk with myself and then my husband, and finally came clean that I have battled with bulimia since I was about 12. That’s a long fucking time to keep a secret that big. When everyone was asking what could possibly have caused some of my health issues the last few years, I secretly knew the exact cause. You can’t puke up every morsel of food that enters your lips and think it won’t eventually catch-up to your health. It always catches up.
In truth, I knew it was time to face reality, but I was in a really dark place when I made this leap, and the discussion I had with my husband was the hardest first step I’ve ever had to take. I was terrified to share something so honest about myself. It went against every fiber of my being, and ultimately against the primary voice I used to hear. The voice of my eating disorder; ED. (Yes, ED has a name and is male!)
Fear is what helped me speak-up; I was ready to consider the influence my choices with food might cause for my daughter. She was now at the same age I was when my eating disorder started. That is what motivated me and scared me most. That somehow, my bad choices would cause my child pain in her life. That I would find a way to royally fuck her up. So, my whole secret was exposed, and with it I became something I had never truly allowed myself to be, vulnerable.
To tell the truth, at first it scared the shit out of me like nothing ever has. After talking to Brad about this secret I had kept from everyone for most of my life, a tiny voice of freedom whispered in me. I’m not sure if the vulnerability or the idea of change scared me more at this point.
Therapy seemed the most logical of next steps, so I started looking into options for getting some outside help understanding why I had this part of me I couldn’t overcome. At the time, had you asked me what I felt about myself, it would have been a very dark answer. I was terrified that ED had become bigger than even myself, and that the darkness he had created would eventually swallow me. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to fight my way back.
In researching options for therapy, I ran across a great place called Northside Mental Health, in Indianapolis. I knew that if I didn’t commit 100% to doing this, I wouldn’t last much longer. Not physically, and not emotionally. I was at the end of my rope, and I needed to just jump-in head first and hope for the best. For the sake of privacy, I’m not going to disclose my therapist name (unless at some later date she gives me permission). What I will say is this; connection and having a resonance with someone that deals with the most broken pieces of yourself is vital, and my therapist is my superhero.
So, for the last several months, EVERYTHING has gone on the back-burner of my life. I changed work environments, I stopped studying to get the damn CPA exam passed, and I just let go and gave in to the process and journey of healing. It has been the hardest journey I’ve ever been on, and I’ll never truly be done with recovering. Just like an alcoholic or an addict, this is a battle and journey that I will face for every day of the rest of my life.
If you’re sitting there thinking, holy shit this a massive change of tone from previous posts! Then, yeah, you’re completely right. BUT, I’m still me. I’m just a me who is learning how to be whole, how to love myself and not because I look a certain way or eat certain foods, but simply because I have wonderful things I can offer those who walk my journey with me.
When I look at the person I was last June, the place I was in and compare that to who I am now and what my focus is; it is nearly incomprehensible to me. This blog will be my voice. A voice I’ve felt has been invisible all of my life.
If you’ve ever needed someone to understand, who maybe has went through some shit too, that is what this will be. I am going to discuss in detail, my past, my eating disorder, my rape, my sexual assault, my fuck-ups, and my journey that has brought me to the present. And maybe no one will want to read my posts, but where I used to only do things because I needed someone else to tell me how great I was, I am not that person now. I don’t know that person anymore, and this blog is about me. Raw, sometimes undefined, but always me. It is the one place I feel I can talk freely. Truly with zero fucks given.
So buckle up because this ride is going to be bumpy with some major thrills and curves. And a few recipes and funny stories too! If you decide its worth reading, then thank you that sincerely means a lot to me. If you are more interested in hate, then fuck-off because this journey is not for you.
TGIF assholes, let the crazy begin!